The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
