I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
