This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
