if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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