I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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