you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
