My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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