Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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