no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
