So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
