I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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