He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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