it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
