I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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