So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
