it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
