just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
