I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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