I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So much rum. So many feels.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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