I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
