Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
