i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
pray to the hookup gods
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
