I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
