I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
