suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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