i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
