she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
