I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
