I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
