Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
