Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
