Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Randomize
