You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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