he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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