theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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