i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
