oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
