I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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