i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i now understand why vodka
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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