So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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