I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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