I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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