Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
