After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
