i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
