I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
