My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
