I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
