I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my nose is crying tears of wow.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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