im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
