the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
