I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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