Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
