i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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