i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
