shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
