and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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