sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
